The World Cup, as explained by EDJ.

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, it is time for the REAL football season to start. Despite my utmost respect for the NFL, and the hard work that each player puts into the sport, I will always be a football (soccer for the rest of you) person.

With that said, I have taken a look at this year's competing countries and after careful analysis I have come to the conclusion that the World Cup finals will be as follows:


Brazil vs. __________ (insert Western European country)

For people who are new to the World Cup let me explain to you how it works.

First, all the continents (minus the polar regions) hold "playoffs" to determine the teams that will be able to represent themselves and their continent at the World Cup. The only continent where the "playoffs" are completely unnecessary (and laughable) is the region referred to as Oceania--where only one team qualifies. Oceania consists of such stellar football teams as: Fiji, New Zealand, Vanuatu, Solomon Islands, New Caledonia, etc. This year, New Zealand somehow managed to qualify from this tough continent.

Unlike the Olympics, where pretty much any country can show up and compete, the expectation at the World Cup is that only the "best and brightest" from each continent show up to compete. This is not always the case as can be seen in what I call the "Stroke of Luck" Group. This Group is any group where at least 2 of the 4 countries really should NOT have qualified for the World Cup but managed to make it through based on a "stroke of luck". This year the Stroke of Luck Group is Group B consisting of: Argentina, Greece, Korea, and Nigeria.

In opposition to the Stroke of Luck Group, there is the infamous Group of Death. For newbies to football, there are basically 2 rules of thumb for "Group of Death spotting". They are as follows:

1. Any group with Brazil and at least 1 Western European country is a Group of Death.
2. Any group with more than 2 Western European countries is a Group of Death.

Nobody is sure what kind of diabolical genetic experiments the Brazilians have conducted to produce such excellent football players. South America is not an easy continent to qualify from but Brazil has managed to qualify for every single World Cup--ever. Not only have they been at every World Cup they have won the most titles (5). Its not like the Brazilian team really has a choice in these matters. If you think Yankees or Red Sox fans are rabid, then you have never met a true Brazilian football fan. In fact, it is very likely that if this Brazilian team returns without the World Cup they will be publicly flogged by their fans.

Here are the Groups for the 2010 World Cup:

Group A

Group B

Group C

Group D

Group E

Group F

Group G

Group H

FRA

ARG

ALG

AUS

CMR

ITA

BRA

CHI

MEX

GRE

ENG

GER

DEN

NZL

CIV

HON

RSA

KOR

SVN

GHA

JPN

PAR

PRK

ESP

URU

NGA

USA

SRB

NED

SVK

POR

SUI

If you don't understand the abbreviations then too bad for you. I will tell you that RSA in Group A is actually South Africa (the host country). Some people say that there is a 2nd Group of Death, can you guess which one based on my two tips above?

After the "continent playoffs" and the random drawings for the Groups, the World Cup begins. Only 2 teams will make it out of each Group, the rest have to go home and face the depressing fact that they will have to wait another 4 years to have another chance (if they qualify). Once the World Cup begins it is not like the sissy NBA where it can take up to 7 games to decide the winner. You only have 90 minutes (maybe some over-time) to beat the living daylight out of the other team--or in some cases squeak by on blind luck.

In the group stages there are 6 games; this gives every team a chance to play against all the other teams in the group. In the past this has resulted in some massacres on the football field. In fact this is the fun part of the World Cup because it is at the group stage that you are likely to see scoreboards that read 6-0, 5-1, 1000-2. In Group G, for example, I can almost guarantee you that North Korea (PRK) will become everybody else's punching bag.

It is entirely possible to have upsets in the Group stages, but it is very rare for "underdogs" to make it all the way to the finals. In case you are wondering who the "underdogs" are in this competition, let me help you. If the country's name is not Brazil, then it is an underdog. Okay, perhaps I am being overly dramatic. Let me be more specific. You might be an underdog if:

1. You are an African country and your name is NOT Cote D'Ivoire (CIV, Group G) or Ghana (GHA, Group D)
2. You qualified out of the Asian continent.
3. You are Team USA.
4. You are not a Western European country.
5. You qualified out of the Oceanic continent--this means you, New Zealand (NZL, Group F).

After the group stages, the 1st and 2nd place teams from each group pair off against the 1st and 2nd place teams from the group adjacent to theirs. But, in order to truly weed out the weak teams, the teams square off in the following manner:
1st place Group A vs. 2nd place Group B,
2nd place Group A vs. 1st place Group B, etc.
So, usually, it is important to finish first in your group so that you get an "easier" team in the next stage.

At this point the loser of each game goes home and there are no second chances, hence the term "knockout stage". The knockout stages are the stages that cause the most fights, arguments, tears, and cardiac arrests for reasons that should be obvious. This continues until the final two are left standing at the finals.


Concerning Nigeria (NGA, Group B) if they make it out of the group stages I will be very surprised. Why? Because they are a Stroke of Luck team. In fact, I predict Nigeria will need to rely once again on the bad luck of  another team. This time, either Korea or Greece. This has been my problem with this Super Eagles team, it is impossible for them to actually win something in a clear cut, decisive manner. Don't be surprised if you see a whole bunch of Nigerians on June 22nd praying for Greece to beat Argentina or vice-versa in order for the Eagles to make it out of the group stages. Of course, blind luck can only take you so far in this competition. In the event that the Super Eagles make it through to the knockout stages, they still have to beat the winner of Group A which will either be France or Mexico. Do you really see that happening? In my opinion it is best if the Eagles don't make it out of the group stages. Seriously, what would be the point?

In case you haven't guessed yet, I LOVE FOOTBALL. I can't wait for the World Cup to start this Friday!