The Lake House [Effect].

This morning when I opened my inbox, I discovered two e-mails that I apparently sent to myself. I thought someone had hacked my e-mail because I knew I hadn't sent myself any e-mails yesterday. However, when I opened the messages, I realized that I had indeed sent them to myself--a few years ago.

How many of you actually saw the movie, The Lake House? With V-day approaching its not a bad movie to watch if you're bored. When the movie was released in Summer 2006, I was working a summer job as a legal assistant in the Bronx. The work was BORING, and I usually had time to browse the internet a lot. I visited the movie website and discovered they had a feature called "Tell It To The Future". Its actually still up all these years later. There you can send an e-mail to whoever (including yourself) and schedule it for delivery at a later date (up to the year 2030). If you're interested, visit the website and you'll see the link for this feature below the trailer for the movie: Tell It To The Future

That summer, I wrote myself a few e-mails all scheduled for deliver a few years from 2006. I've also been back to the site a few times to write a few more "future e-mails". I just received two of them today. One I wrote in 2006 and another I wrote in 2009 to remind myself to do something.

From, my 2006 e-mail to myself, which I scheduled for delivery January 31st 2010. (names have been changed):

Its January 31st 2010 and I am writing this to you on June 17th 2006. These are the things you should have done by now,
1) Heading towards med school, or already in med school (still working on that).
2) visited Nigeria (See? I didn't always think that place was useless and beyond redemption. I could still do this, but with my current viewpoint I don't see that happening anymore).
3) seen Mr. X (mission accomplished and the outcome was more than I expected).
4) seen Mr. Y (mission accomplished but things didn't end well. Though it was still a good "life experience" for me to go through).
5) made Mr. Z wish he had NEVER EVER taken you for granted. (I think I can list this as mission accomplished based on Mr. Z's behavior in the months that followed? However I don't care about him anymore so it is now kind of irrelevant).
6) Taken a more active role in school activities. (definitely mission accomplished).
7) Become independent, no more leaning on mom and dad, and having them control everything (Although I live at home, I still say mission accomplished because I don't rely on my parents for many things anymore).
8) Gotten a car (maybe) (Working on this. I still haven't taken the license test, but within weeks of doing that, I will be getting a car. So, by March?).
9) Gotten some sort of academic recognition of major proportions (Mission accomplished).
10) Gone on a vacation by yourself (mission accomplished, and accomplished, and accomplished...you get the idea).

So I got 7/10 (counting #5), which I guess isn't so bad. By March it should be 8/10 when I get a car. If some of my goals look a bit silly to you, don't worry you're not the only one. Lets just all remember that was 4 years ago and I have grown up a lot since then.


Concerning the second e-mail, I wrote it to myself in May 2009 for delivery January 31st 2010. The contents of that e-mail aren't actually meant for me. I wrote it as a "reminder" to myself so that if a certain situation remained constant between then and now, I would be able to send the e-mail to its intended recipient and schedule it for its actual delivery date. The contents are too personal for the blog, so...

What do you think? Is this something you might do yourselves? Its a bit like an online time capsule isn't it? I think its a great idea, but maybe its just me.

Things Men Have Told Me.

In the spirit of Valentine's Day, I have decided to take a look back at some memorable moments in my years dating the opposite sex. I'm sure every female remembers some of the daftest things they've been told by the opposite sex, and now I am sharing some of mine with you. In no particular order, here it goes!

"I think you should stay a virgin till you get married."
From my boyfriend at the time. I remember hearing that and thinking, "so he doesn't want to sleep with me?" I suppose he may have been worried about my naivete, either that or a possible statutory rape charge (I was under 18 and he was about 4 years older) but still...I felt like I was undesirable for some reason.

"I'm thinking about making us official, but there is this other girl I'm talking to right now and I wanna see how that turns out first."
Exactly what do you say to such a statement? "At least he's being honest?" Men, never tell a woman, or imply to a woman, that she is the backup plan. NEVER.
 
"I don't have to wear a condom because you're a virgin, do you think I have AIDS or something?!"
This, while he was millimeters away from "breaching the fortress". I told him that I didn't care if I got AIDS--I just didn't want to get pregnant. Then he tried to convince me that since it was my first time I couldn't get pregnant. I guess he thought I was stupid. There was probably some poor idiot he tried that with in the past who actually fell for it. Needless to say, that was the last time we "hung out". Word of advice--you can get pregnant from your first time. You can also get pregnant if you have sex during her period--disgusting I know--but a friend of mine learned that the hard way after her boyfriend talked her into it.

"Blowjobs are disgusting!
Dont worry I wasn't offering! The topic came up in a conversation (don't ask me how). I had never met a guy who didn't like bjs until this dude. He said the idea of her mouth on him just made him feel weird. Okayyy then.

"I know that its Valentine's Day! I didn't think I needed to tell you anything."
Another gem from a boyfriend. I cannot explain to you how pissed off I was when I heard this. I actually thought he forgot (which is impossible because there are reminders EVERYWHERE). Basically his point was that he tells me that he cares on "other days" (i.e. once every 2-3 months) so why would I get upset that he didn't say anything on February 14th. I wasn't even asking for a gift! Just a simple phrase: "Happy Valentine's Day". Is avoiding that statement worth an argument? I will never understand men. Worst V-day ever so far.

"You're pretty...for a thick girl"
Is that supposed to be a compliment? This was from some wannabe area boy outside a club who pulled up on the passenger side of an SUV while my friends and I were waiting for our ride home. Am I supposed to be happy at that statement? So every female above size 10 is ugly?

Me, eyeing him suspiciously: "Where did you just take my drink to?
Him: "Upstairs?"
Me: "Why?"
Him: "No reason"
I was a freshman in college at a frat mixer on my 2nd day on campus--isn't college great? My roommate and I had been invited to the mixer by a sorority looking to recruit us (even though, technically, freshmen aren't supposed to join Greek organizations until second semester at least). I was "chillin" wondering if I should consider joining the sorority, they had driven us to the house party after all,  when these two cute black guys started to talk to me. I felt extra special. Then, all of a sudden one of them took my drink and went upstairs with it. When he returned, the conversation above happened. He returned my drink and I casually set it aside. Like, really? Aren't college men supposed to be suave when they lace drinks? SHEESH.

"Why do women always complain about men?"

See above. Then e-mail me and I'll send you more examples.


This is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to Things Men Have Told Me. I am not making any of this up and I am sure there are women out there that have worse stories to share.

To see one man's rebuttal, read: "Things Women Have Told Me" by Enoch.

My Fine Is $110. What's Yours?

I found out about this game through Facebook (insert groan here). I thought it was interesting. A friend of mine (ahem...Night Owl) has already done it and he crossed the $500 mark. The questions are courtesy of Tuna Girl. Its not exactly a new game but its still fun to do. Turns out I'm quite the goody two-shoes. My parents should be proud of me! America has not totally corrupted me. Hurray!

Here’s how it works: You don’t have to confess your answers, just the total amount of your fine. Tally up your score and let us know!

Smoked pot — $10
Did acid — $5
Ever had sex at church — $25
Woke up in the morning and did not know the person who was next to you — $40
Had sex with someone on MySpace — $25
Had sex for money — $100
Vandalized something — $20
Had sex on your parents’ bed — $10
Beat up someone — $20
Been jumped — $10
Crossed dressed — $10
Given money to stripper — $25
Been in love with a stripper — $20
Kissed some one who’s name you didn’t know — $0.10
Hit on some one of the same sex while at work — $15
Ever drive drunk — $20
Ever got drunk at work, or went to work while still drunk — $50
Used toys while having sex — $30
Got drunk, passed out and don’t remember the night before — $20
Went skinny dipping — $5
Had sex in a pool — $20
Kissed someone of the same sex — $10
Had sex with someone of the same sex — $20
Cheated on your significant other — $10
Masturbated — $10
Cheated on your significant other with their relative or close friend — $20
Done oral — $5
Got oral — $5
Done/got oral in a car while it was moving — $25
Stole something — $10
Had sex with someone in jail — $25
Made a nasty home video — $15
Had a threesome — $50
Had sex in the wild — $20
Been in the same room while someone was having sex — $25
Stole something worth over more than a hundred dollars — $20
Had sex with someone 10 years older — $20
Had sex with someone under 21 and you are over 27 — $25
Been in love with two people or more at the same time — $50
Said you love someone but didn’t mean it — $25
Went streaking — $5
Went streaking in broad daylight — $15
Been arrested — $5
Spent time in jail — $15
Peed in the pool — $0.50
Played spin the bottle — $5
Done something you regret — $20
Had sex with your best friend — $20
Had sex with someone you work with at work — $25
Had anal sex — $80
Lied to your mate — $5
Lied to your mate about the sex being good — $25 

What's your fine?

Red Or Purple?

Readers, I have decided to buy one of these two boots (for the sake of my budget) and I need help. I like both, but which should I pay full price for and which one should I save till later when there's a sale?


Vote in the comments or on Twitter @egodujour. When I published this post, Red had 40% of the vote while Purple had 60% of the vote. (this includes those who voted via Facebook)

The Journal of Life Genetics, Volume 2

A Scientific Journal Paper by EDJ.

Fellow scientists and readers, it is with great pleasure that I bring you volume 2 of our scientific journal. The paper on the Douchebaggery (Db) gene shall be in volume 3.

Beauty and The Beast Syndrome

Beauty and the Beast Syndrome is a disease that primarily affects women. It has ties to the Douchebaggery (Db) gene--which is why it is being introduced to you first. The disease is caused by a lack of the enzyme, Facerealitase. Normally, this enzyme is present in large quantities at birth, however, many women suffer a large loss due to frequent exposure to fairy tale romances and Disney movies. In men, the enzyme has been known to decrease slightly due to exposure to cartoons and video games, however, testosterone and peer pressure have been known to combat the effects.
The gene for the production of Facerealitase (Fr) is normally found on chromosome 23.5. During development (ages 5 to 14), girls are exposed to factors (music, movies, etc) that damage the Facerealitase gene. This leads to a reduction in the woman's ability to think logically in certain situations--specifically her relationships with men.

Symptoms of Beauty and The Beast Syndrome

1. Feeling desire for a man that is clearly damaged and should be left alone.
   
2. Remaining in a relationship with the wrong person (for example a habitual cheater) with the hope that constant love will change him.
3. Ignoring all warnings from well meaning outsiders and sometimes even classifying them as "jealous" of your unhealthy relationship.
4. Constantly trying to justify the man's wrongdoings with statements like: "it wont happen again", "I know deep down he loves me", "its because we haven't slept together in x days that's why he cheated", etc.
5. Constantly chasing men who appear to have no interest in you until they give in. Then acting surprised when they leave.
6. Believing that you are the exception to the rule when you hear about other relationships like yours that ended badly.
   
7. Currently reading this list and trying to explain away symptoms 1 to 6 as EDJ's refusal to understand romance.

There are men that exhibit signs of this disease. however, they are very rare.

Treatment
At The Journal of Life Genetics, we have discovered that patient treatment can be grouped into 3 groups.

1. Some women will require only one disastrous event with a man carrying the Db gene. These are the lucky ones, because they can quickly increase their Facerealitase levels and avoid future problems.
2. Other women will require years--even decades--of exposure to a man carrying the Db gene. During these years, their levels of Facerealitase gradually increase until they reach a threshold where they make changes.
3. The final group are the unluckiest ones. They require multiple exposure to multiple men carrying the Db gene. These exposure events will vary in length, and may continue for many years. By the time their levels of Facerealitase reach the required threshold, these women have been permanently damaged and may even transfer some of that damage to their female offspring.

We have discovered that most women are in the 1st and 2nd group.

A less expensive, and potentially less damaging, method is to surround the patient with women who have normal to excess levels of Facerealitase--before she enters an illogical relationship. This provides a form of vaccination for the woman, and she will remain immune to illogical relationships. Using this method after the person has entered the illogical relationship will not work, as the victim will begin to exhibit symptom 3 (see above).

Additional Notes
It is important to add, that a decrease in Facerealitase does not usually impact all aspects of the woman's life. Women suffering from Beauty and the Beast Syndrome are usually normal, functioning, members of society. In fact, some of them remain extremely successful in other areas of life despite the effects of this disease.

Conclusion
For victims of this disease the road to recovery may be long and arduous. Some people bounce back quickly, while others may take a long time. Once a woman has fallen victim, it is usually best to allow her to go through the disease (like Chicken pox).

A lack of Facerealitase--in addition to other factors--is also responsible for the presence of the Extremeniceness (En) gene in women. This En gene is responsible for the "opposites attract" phenomenon that is observed when men with the Db gene marry women with the En gene and make their lives horrible. We shall explore this in our next journal entry.

All This Money. For What?

Please be advised, some of you may experience an apoplectic reaction to this blog post. But consider what I am saying carefully before you start cursing me.

Haiti can kick rocks. In fact, all of you texting the Red Cross or Wyclef's "foundation" can stop right now. Yeah, I said it. All this money that people are sending to Haiti cannot compare to the amount of aid they have been sent over the last 10 years. Do you know that foreign aid to Haiti every year makes up almost half of their federal budget? Ask yourself, WHAT THE HELL HAVE THEY BEEN DOING WITH THAT MONEY? America alone has sent over 2.5 billion dollars to that country over the past 10 years.

Once the last orphan child has been treated (and adopted by Brangelina) and the streets have been cleared, nothing will change in Haiti--and that is my problem. Give them one year and the corruption will return; in fact it may not even take that long. All the aid money will be squandered by politicians and the poor people you see now--the ones without the second homes in other countries to escape to--all these people will be exactly where they were the day before the earthquake.

I am passed being sad for Haitians. I am now angry. Are you kidding me? There are no doctors, there was no plan, there was no local help, and the buildings were crappy even though the island is sitting on a fault line. What kind of country cannot take care of its own people? Haiti sits in an earthquake zone that people have been warning about for years and not one idiot in the entire Haitian government considered setting up a plan just in case?

If you are Haitian, after you have accounted for your family and things return to "normal" you need to hang your head in shame and ask "What the f*ck happened to our country?"

As I write this, Larry King on CNN is saluting the survivors of the earthquake for...surviving. I don't even want to get into the kind of headache that gives me. All I know is this, God/Allah/Luck/whatever saved all those people for a reason. It is now their duty and responsibility to MAKE SURE that their lives are lived to the fullest--they might want to start with getting rid of their useless leaders.

PS: Nigeria, I am sure your time is coming don't worry.

"Even The Bosses?"

Today I had the unique pleasure of having my dad drive me to work. He says he wants to help me save money on transportation, which is great, but he also uses it as an opportunity to find out what is going on in my life. Today, he said something I thought was interesting.

So, today, while we were in the car, he decided to ask me about work. Mind you, I have now had this new job for over a month, but it was today that he decided to learn more about it. I was sitting in the front passenger seat listening to the radio, when he asked: "How many black people work there?"
I've never truly understood why we, as black people, always ask this question. If I answer "none" am I supposed to quit my job and declare the company racist? Then, I can become another statistic--the unemployed black person.
Anyway, I answered his question--there is one other black person in the office in case any of you must know. But, this wasn't the statement he made that surprised me this morning. Then he asked if the black person was a man or woman.

Past readers of my blog may remember my earlier post about working in an all female office so, when my dad asked, I said, "Its all women." My dad replied, "Even the bosses?" and there was just this tone of disbelief when he asked that question that I gave him a sideways glance before answering, "Yes, even the bosses."

At this point some of you may say that he was just surprised at this because of how hard women have to work to get to the top, and his surprise was "good" surprise. However, you don't know my dad. When I was younger, in elementary school, he would drive me to school and if someone on the road was driving badly he would always say, "Women drivers!" Even at age 6 I knew there was something wrong with that statement, and I would ask him how he knew it was a woman when he couldn't see the driver

My father has such antiquated ideas about women I just have to laugh about it sometimes. Moving to America hasn't done anything to change this. Of course, he is from a different time and he may be excused, but there are people in our generation who exhibit the same tendencies. Those are the people I have a problem with!

Gone In 60 Seconds...

No, I am not referring to the movie, so feel free to read on. I was watching Leap Year a few days ago and it asked a relatively relevant question. If there was a fire and you only had 60 seconds to grab things from your home, what would you take?

I'll have you know I'm about to reveal bits of the movie, so if you don't like spoilers...stop here. However, if you are intelligent enough to realize that this is a ROMANTIC movie and therefore there are no surprises, then read on.

The story goes: man and woman have been dating for 4 years. Man takes woman to "special" dinner and woman is expecting marriage proposal. Man surprises her by not proposing and announces he is going off to Ireland for medical conference. A few days later woman is upset and decides to follow man to conference because she learns of an old Irish "tradition" that allows women to propose on leap day. Terrible weather strands woman at airport in Wales and forces her to find alternative route to Ireland--which is how woman meets Irish man. Irish man offers to drive her, and along the way they begin to fall for each other. During journey Irish man asks her the 60 second question.

Anyway, this question made me think about my personal belongings and what I might take in such a situation. I realized that there was truly nothing I could live without. I think, this may be because I still live with my parents and it is THEIR house. I'm sure if I asked my parents this question they would have a better answer.

Of course, their home is my home, but their house is their house. I live there, and of course I have personal belongings there: clothing, laptop, Wii, etc but these are all replaceable items.

So my question is, what would you take? What do you currently own that is completely irreplaceable and uniquely yours? I have come to the conclusion that at this very moment my answer would be: "nothing". You may or may not think this is "sad", I just think it is a sign I haven't started living MY life yet.

Another interesting thing from the movie; Claddagh rings: A friend of mine actually has one of these--it was given to her by her boyfriend--and I think the idea behind it is cute! I wish someone would buy one for me (message me for my ring size). Men or women can wear these, so don't think it has to be a guy giving it to a girl.

Some background on the ring: The elements of this symbol are often said to correspond to the qualities of love (the heart), friendship (the hands), and loyalty (the crown). The ring worn on the right hand with the heart pointing towards the fingertip shows the wearer is not romantically linked but is looking for love; pointing towards the wrist shows that the wearer is in a relationship. The ring worn on the left hand with the heart pointing towards the fingertip shows the wearer is engaged; pointing toward the wrist indicates the wearer is married. 
 Some of these rings are actually pretty inexpensive ($15 on Amazon) and this could make a great Valentine's day gift. Of course, give this only if you are serious about the relationship, we don't want the recipient to get confused. I might actually just get one of these for myself.

Speaking of Valentine's Day, how many people are giving or receiving gifts? I ask because I am sure many people will use the recession as a reason not to do anything, but why? You don't have to spend ridiculous amounts of money to give a present (see claddagh ring above).

I will add here that I did not spend any of my hard earned money to go see this movie, and if you are smart you won't either. I like romantic movies but most of them are not worth the $12 movie ticket--at least not to people like me who can watch them for free because of our "connections".

So, ideas for Valentine's Day? Anyone?

The Nigerian President Is Missing: Who Cares?

Clearly the U.S. doesn't care and do I blame them? Hell no!! Nigeria has been cursed since the first coup stole power from Nnamdi Azikiwe.

As many of you know, there is no love lost between myself and that God forsaken place. Any country that can allow a President, or any political leader, to miss 40 days of work without an impeachment is clearly not a place worthy of helping.

Look at it this way. When South Carolina Governor, Mark Sanford, missed Fathers Day (the least celebrated of the parental holidays) the entire United States was in a frenzy and stalked him all the way to his mistress in Argentina--he was missing for one weekend. The President of the Federal Republic of Nigeria has been missing for 40 days and 40 nights with nobody knowing where he is and if/when he will be back. Unless he is currently fasting in the desert praying to his Almighty father and fending off temptations from the devil--the country needs to know where he is.

The rumor is that he is in Saudi Arabia getting treatment for a medical condition. However, Nigerian government officials already asked the Saudi rulers and they said they have no idea where Yaradua is. Can you imagine how embarrassing it is to misplace a President? Its not like he is an errant puppy that escaped through a hole in the fence. This is a grown man in charge of a country of 150 million people. One of his minions even tried to pass off a new federal budget with a forged signature.

Of course let us not forget that Umar Abdulwhateverhisnameis has done an excellent job at tarnishing the country's reputation. Add that to the fact that Nigerians are apparently okay with an absent president and a figurehead Vice President named Goodluck Jonathan (I laughed till I cried when I found out that was his real name) and the world is going to think that Nigeria is being run by a bunch of dimwits. I happen to agree!

In my opinion, the past 10 years of civilian rule in Nigeria have been quite enough for that country. My late grandmother always said that military dictatorship is the only thing Nigerians understand and appreciate. I'm beginning to think she was right. Clearly another coup is in the making and everyone seems okay with it.

Nigeria lovers, find your President!

One last thing, since I have no more relatives in Nigeria that I am truly worried about, I would appreciate it if the country descends into chaos AFTER my bff Mogaji and her siblings are back from their vacation there.