Now Hiring: EDJ's Bridal Party

It has come to my attention that I am probably going to get married some day, but before the mortgage, car payments, baby shopping, we must first have the wedding. Some of you may know that I already planned my wedding and it was going to be awesome--was. However, after watching many hours of WEtv's Bridezillas--the only show they have on that channel because weddings are the only thing women care about--I have decided that my wedding plans are currently too small and too cheap. It needs be enlarged. This way I will have more people to yell at and complain about during my wedding.

Speaking of Bridezillas, that show just cracks me up because the bridezillas are hardly ever wealthy. Have you ever seen one of the women on Platinum Weddings throw a fit? I think not! Why? Because all that money leads to bridal anger management. Oh honey, you want a dancing monkey on each table and a 5 star Michelin chef to grill overpriced meat? Sure! Oh you want me to spend $10million on our wedding after buying you a $3million dollar ring? Of course honey! Bridezillas are not usually wealthy and their anger from wedding stress is because they can't just hire a wedding planner and take off somewhere. They have to be involved in everything and lets face it, it is stressful.

So, now that I have been brainwashed convinced by WEtv, I have decided I need a change of wedding plans.The original plan involved jeans and t-shirts and a trip to Applebees, but I have decided this is wayyyyy too easy. Especially since I can do so much better. I mean Applebees? Come on, we can at least try The Cheesecake Factory. Also, as I have disappointed my parents by dumping medical school plans, it is probably not in my best interest to piss them off with a denim wedding.

However, I am seriously lacking in the bridal party department. Of course we already have Mogaji and my younger sister, but unless I want to fill the bridal party with relatives that I hardly know, we need more people. So, I am extending this invitation to y'all. If you want to be my bridesmaid, please put forward applications. Your chances of being accepted are very high. The plan here is that we can build a friendship so that by the time the wedding rolls around we will be bffs like the Sex and The City gals. Just FYI, I have no idea where or when this wedding will take place, so you may want to clear your calendars for the 2013-2015 summers. If we get to 2015 and still no wedding date, then consider yourself off the hook.

I wonder though, am I the only female out there who doesn't have many close female friends? What is the criteria for selecting bridesmaids anyway? There are people I know that I could add to the bridal party but I have always been under the impression that it has to be people you are REALLY close to. Please tender your applications in the comments box.  --------------------------------->

The Journal of Life Genetics, Volume 3

 A Scientific Journal Paper by EDJ.

Readers and Scientists. The long awaited paper on the Douchebaggery gene is finally here!

Douchebaggery and Extremeniceness Syndrome

Douchebaggery Syndrome is a disease caused by the presence of the Douchebaggery gene (Db)--a dominant allelle requiring only one copy to be expressed. All males carry the Db gene, however, Douchebaggery Syndrome is caused by over-expression of the Db gene. There have been rare cases of Db gene expression in females, but these are so few in number that they do not merit too much study. The Db gene is passed on from male parent to offspring and usually lies dormant until its carrier is in the presence of a female who expresses the Extremenicess gene (En). The last sentence might be a bit misleading since every female has a copy of the En gene. However, some females have developed resistance to the En gene. Further study is needed to discover a way to transfer this rare En gene resistance to the rest of the female population. It was partly our hope when starting this journal, that the series might help increase En gene resistance in the female population. Extremenicess Syndrome is caused by over-expression of the En gene.

The presence of the En gene is the only reason that males with over-expression of the Db gene are able to reproduce and pass on their genetic information to offspring. Without the presence of the En gene there would be no females willing to mate with Db carriers and their Douchebaggery would gradually become extinct from the population. It appears that nature took pity on Db male carriers and created the En gene counterpart in females to give the males a chance to procreate. You can see why, sometimes, it appears that the nicest women end up with the worst of men. It is the unfortunate "yin and yang" relationship of the Db and En genes.

Symptoms of Douchebaggery Syndrome
These are only some of the symptoms. If you think you or someone you know has Douchebaggery Syndrome, please inquire about our testing methods and we will perform an individual assessment of your situation.

1. Extreme vanity. Db carriers have been known to spend more time getting ready than some females.
2. Repeatedly cheating on a partner and then apologizing only to do it again instead of breaking up with the person.
3. Feeling no remorse or pretending to feel remorse when confronted with wrongdoings.
4. Wearing sunglasses at night (unless you are blind)
5. Taking pictures with friends where various non-sense hand signs (this does not include frats) are being made to indicate "coolness".
6. Continued use of ridiculous nicknames on Facebook over the age of 16. Often nicknames imply that the Db carrier "makes money", "gets girls", or both.
7. Giving your clique of friends a "cool" name and retaining this name past the age of 23.
8. Being a party promoter and assuming this means you are special.
9. Wearing anything Ed Hardy.
10. Taking pictures of designer label outfits/shoes/accessories you own to show off. This also involves captioning your own photos with information on the designer label you are wearing.

Symptoms of Extremeniceness Syndrome

1. Partnering with a male expressing Douchebaggery Syndrome and remaining with this partner until they kick you out.

Treatment
 For treatment of Extremeniceness Syndrome please see treatment of Beauty and the Beast Syndrome, as published in The Journal of Life Genetics, Volume 2.

For treatment of Douchebaggery Syndrome we recommend the following methods.

1. Long term exposure to a female with En gene resistance. This is best for low to medium range Db gene carriers who express symptoms rarely but have the Db gene under control most of the time.
2. Long term exposure to a female with Db gene expression. This is for severe cases where the Db gene is always in effect. Please note that there is a risk involved with this method as the Db gene male may in fact become worse after treatment. You must be careful if you select this method.

Please note that the Db males cannot be co-erced into the treatment. No female should expose herself to the Db gene carrier solely for the purpose of curing him. It is important, especially for the female, that she enter the "treatment" with no expectations. It is also important that a REAL En gene resistant or Db gene female is used for treatment. The female must not be pretending to be either one of the above two.

Additional Notes
The "yin and yang" pairing of the Douchebaggery and Extremenicess has been the cause for many an unhappy home. For the purposes of this research, we used the Nigerian society as a case study. There are many reports of Nigerian Db males marrying En females and this has been especially prevalent in the previous generation (that of our parents). Many twenty something year old Nigerians have seen first hand the disaster and suffering that occurs when Db males marry En females. Some children have even had to become pseudo-psychologists just to deal with their En mothers stuck in Db/En marriages and the stress they go through. The overall effect of this has been a gradual decline in the "desire for marriage" (or early marriage) amongst young Nigerian women.

Conclusion
Further study must be done to combat the effects of Douchebaggery Syndrome. Both genders must do their part to ensure that gene expression is kept to a minimum. Women must stop enabling Db males, and males will have to take their own treatment upon themselves and actively try to limit their Db gene expression.


Douchebaggery is an illness that must be eradicated from society! Let us all do our part.

Catholicism v. The Rest a.k.a Things Protestants Have Told Me

It has come to my attention that some of you are confused when it comes to Christianity and Catholicism. This confusion is something I have only heard in the US. No protestant outside of these 50 states has ever told me that Catholics aren't Christians. Its always in the US.

This past weekend, the topic for Verastic's radio show was "My Church is Better Than Yours". Mind you, she wasn't trying to support one christian group over the other, she simply gave people an opportunity to "put their church forward", so to speak. During the show, I heard some things that frustrated me dearly. I am Catholic, and some of the things I hear concerning my church just give me a headache. I am not going to defend pedophilia to you--that is wrong--and it is sad that it has become such a problem. The headache inducing statements I have heard revolve around Catholic worship. Not all of these statements were made during the show. But, listening to the show reminded me that I have been meaning to write a post about this. So, consider this a Things Protestants Have Told Me.

Catholics aren't Christians. Pardon me, but if we are not Christians then what the f*ck are we? A Christian is someone who believes that Jesus Christ came to us, died for our sins, and was resurrected. Hence the term CHRISTian. Is this not something Catholics believe? Or you think because our mass doesn't consist of weekly "miracles" and numerous rounds of "tithe-giving" that we are not Christian? I urge you to Google the Apostle's Creed which is said every Sunday during mass. The beginning reads,

I believe in God, the Father Almighty,
    the Maker of heaven and earth,
    and in Jesus Christ, His only Son, our Lord...

I hope this is not confusing to anyone. If Christianity were a tree, Catholicism would be the trunk from which every other Christian group branched from. What do you mean we aren't Christian? Lets be honest, without the Catholic church there would not even be a bible. Who do you think held on to all those scrolls long enough to get them printed? Which church do you think decided which books the public would ever get to read in the first place?

Catholics Worship Mary. This use of the word "worship" is a gross exaggeration of what actually happens in the Catholic church. We consider Mary to be something like a "high-level" saint (which I will get into later, don't worry). No Catholic worships Mary. We worship God. If you see a Catholic kneeling down in front of a statue of Mary, they are asking her to intercede on their behalf because we believe she is in heaven with her son, Jesus. It is why we have the Hail Mary and why we have the rosary. The same way people bow/curtesy/prostrate as a sign of respect to elders. It is a sign of respect for the person who gave birth to Jesus. Oh, and about the Hail Mary, which goes:

Hail Mary, full of grace,
the Lord is with thee.
Blessed art thou among women
And Blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.

Holy Mary, Mother of God
Pray for us sinners now
and at the hour of our death.
Amen

Let me help explain. The entire first half of that prayer is found in the Gospel of Luke. Chapter 1 verse 28 (when the angel Gabriel greets Mary) and verse 42 (when Elizabeth, mother of John the Baptist, greets Mary). The last half, in bold, apparently pisses of protestants because they don't understand why Catholics believe we should ask Mary to "pray for us". Let me first appeal to your common sense. If it makes sense to you that Mary gave birth to Jesus and is in heaven with him, then it should make sense to you that we ask her to pray for us. If this is not enough for you, please re-read the story of the miracle at Cana. Who asked Jesus to help the wedding couple make more wine? That is why we ask Mary to pray for us. IF it hurts your sensibilities to ask another person close to God to pray for you, then I suggest all of you stop attending church right now. If you can ask your pastor to help you with something, then you should be able to ask Mary.

Catholics have saints and this is wrong. The bible uses the word "saints" in reference to holy people dedicated to serving God. The Catholic church has taken this definition a step further and decided that in order to become a saint of the church, one would have to undergo a sort of litmus test. Although the act of canonization (making a person a saint) is not in the bible, I think it is safe to say that God would have no problem with the church instituting certain "boundaries" for sainthood. Again, nobody worships saints, as nobody worships Mary. We ask them to pray for us as they are in heaven with God.

Catholics have the Trinity. The trinity does not imply 3 Gods. My favorite explanation for the trinity is the "water" example. Water can be solid (ice), liquid, or gas (steam), but in all those 3 forms it is still water. There are numerous bible references to the 3 "forms" of God. There are examples where the "spirit" references the "father" and the "son". None of this "trinity stuff" is made up. Excuse you.

Catholics aren't born again. This is utter rubbish. You know that little thing they do for babies (and sometimes grown people) where they dress them up in white and sprinkle holy water? Its not because someone felt like taking a bath in church. Baptism is our "born again". And if you think that baptism is not enough, EVERY Easter there is a "renewal of baptismal vows" said in church. Protestants have turned the term "born again" into their "go-to" definition for themselves, implying that they are somehow "different" from Catholics. Stop the madness. Jesus said no one can enter heaven without being born again. He didn't say HOW you should go about it. Catholics have chosen baptism, confession, and the renewal of baptismal vows, as their way of staying "in the spirit" and being "born again". You have your ways and we will all be JUST FINE.

Obviously this isn't all of it, but I will stop here. The end result of all this bullsh*t between Christians is that it makes us look stupid to everyone else. If you have more reasons why you think Catholics are not Christians, please let me know. I would really love to have that conversation. As Hoobastank said,

I'm not ever going to know if I'm right or wrong 'cause we're all going in the same direction

Please, the next time you bash Catholics for our "worship style" remember that sentence. I am not saying being a Catholic is better, I remain in this church for personal reasons and I am not trying to convert anyone. However, if you are going to talk about my church, you better have non-propaganda based explanations for your opinion.

News--Introducing "MBA or Bust"

I started a new blog called MBA or Bust. This new blog will be dedicated solely to my pursuit of the MBA from applications to interviews to acceptances (hopefully). On the top section of Ego Du Jour you will find the MBA or Bust section and you can click on the image to be taken to the new blog.

The new blog will be the place to go to find out how I'm doing with my journey to the MBA. I don't want Ego Du Jour to be filled with random posts about my worries, essays, applications, classes, etc. Whenever I update MBA or Bust I will write a short post here to let y'all know. So, check it out if you're interested in how "the switch" is going.  New non-MBA related post coming soon! I promise.

I Think I Have Made A Momentous Decision (The Parents React)

So after my previous post, buoyed by my new plans for my life and a shiny new sense of "purpose", I told my parents of my plans and they were both very supportive and encouraging.


IF YOU BELIEVE THAT THEN YOU NEED TO GET YOUR HEAD CHECKED.


To say that they were disappointed might be a bit of an understatement. In a complete reversal of my expectations, my dad actually listened to me put my case forward while my mother literally yelled me out of the room.

First I approached both parents separately, a strategic move I felt would guarantee me a chance to hear their individual views without one parent influencing the other. It is always best to do this with my parents because if you allow them to combine their "powers" they are like Voltron--sharing one head--and individual thought or opinion gets buried under their "united stance". Apart, it is easier to have a conversation with them. My dad was first. When I told him he was silent for some time while I listed my reasons. Then he sighed and gave a few perfunctory arguments before letting it go. Or so I thought. He called me on the phone later in the day to talk with me "in greater detail" about the plan.

My mother's response? Well let me just share some quotes from her "talk".

You're lazy! Thats why you don't want to go to medical school!

Its your life...

You're making a big mistake.

MBAs are all over the place. You can even get one online from Kaplan, it only takes a year of school anyway.

90% of the people unemployed today have MBAs!

That last one really had me scratching my head since she had not told me she worked for the Bureau of Labor Statistics and had information regarding unemployment in the US. (I'm being sarcastic here)

After my dad had some time to "ruminate" on the subject, he came back to me and asked pertinent questions like: "What if you lose your job at age 50 like so many people did during the recession. Then what?", "What is your plan to get in?", "Have you looked at schools?", "When will you apply?", etc.

<---The cake I plan to buy my mother when I graduate with my MBA and have a great job, Amen!
(I might even use my first paycheck and hire a skywriting plane to write this over our house)







At least my Dad asked real questions.

I think I understand where this is coming from--well my dad at least. My mother is on some other level, its not like I am asking her to pay for it!

This is typical Nigerian mentality. If you don't go into medicine or law you are wasting your time. I have tried to explain that we are not in Nigeria anymore and that it is actually possible to have a career that pays well without being in any of the two "big" fields. Its just unfortunate.

I KNOW that the only way for this switch to be worthwhile is if I end up in a kicka** MBA program. I need to get into a school that is so awesomely awesome that when you look at the rankings page there is no need to click "next" or "scroll down" to find the name of my school. I KNOW THIS. I am entering a field where name is everything (almost). When I made this decision it wasn't with a plan to end up at Walden University or Kaplan University (not that there is anything wrong with them...okay there is). Sadly, the only MBA program she is aware of that is of any importance is Harvard. While this is a big name, in the event that I ONLY manage to get in at say UC: Berkeley--Haas or Duke--Fuqua, she will probably be sad and embarrassed and tell me to commit suicide.

I am annoyed--although unsurprised--that my mother has so little faith in my ability to make decisions. She is telling me I'm lazy because its only two years of school? Do MBAs not work hard?! Its okay, the best way to solve this problem is to get into a top school and get a great job after. Its just sad that I have to wait that long to be able to tell her "I told you so!".

I Think I Have Made A Momentous Decision (MBA vs. MD)

I actually sat down last night and made a list of the pros and cons of both careers, as I see them, and the clear winner appears to be the MBA. Please know that some of this is tongue in cheek. Obviously this is my personal observation, and I am open to corrections of any misconceptions I may have about either field. I have split the list into "personal stuff" and the "application process". This isn't all of my list, but you can see what I mean about the differences being quite clear.

Apologies if the font is a little wonky. I think its readable? But let me know. Also, like I said, your input is very much welcome. I guess that with this the only thing to say is if you need some Kaplan MCAT prep books, I need to give them away! Actually, I think my sis will need some of them, so best ask early!

I wonder what my parents will say. Do I even have to tell them? Maybe I should wait until I get an acceptance somewhere? Lol.

Damn You Facebook! (Paternal Weirdness)

Dear readers, I come to you today because my world has been shattered. I am still recovering from recent events that I will now share with you. I am referring to the fact that I found my father on Facebook. Also, some weird French song which I discuss below but, my dad is on Facebook!

It all started with the Suggestions box on my home page. It actually didn't show me my dad directly. I noticed my godmother first. I was still recovering from the fact that my GODMOTHER was on Facebook when I clicked on her profile. She has only a few friends (her sons refused to add her and good for them!) so when I saw my father's name on her friends list I was shocked. I thought it was some sort of sick joke that Facebook was playing on me. I sent a message to my godmother's children (we are all friends on Facebook) to see if they knew that their mother had joined. I also asked if they had any idea why she would be friends with someone whose name bore a scary similarity to my father. Turns out, it IS my dad. Mind you, I checked his profile and he doesn't seem to have used it--his only friend is my godmother--so I assume she sent him an invitation, he joined, added her as a friend, and never visited the site again. For now.

I have already notified my sister of this and we are plotting! The plan is to hijack his laptop, and hopefully he has his passwords saved in the browser. This way we can log-in to his Facebook and deactivate the account. Since he has never really used it, he will never know it has been removed. We hope we can get this done before someone else (probably the parent of another mortified family friend) finds him on Facebook, adds him and then raises his interest in the website.

This is so disturbing. Seriously! First, if you had asked me which one of my parents would most likely be on Facebook I would have told you it would be my mother as she is much more connected to technology and it's uses. Mind you this is like saying a one eyed man is leading a kingdom of the blind, but at least she has the one eye! I would NEVER accept a friend request from either parent though. Unfortunately there are people who are not so lucky and you can see some of their suffering on the website: Oh Crap. My Parents Joined Facebook.

As if the weirdness wasn't enough, today I was in the car with my dad and he was playing some weird mix-CD that someone made for him. The mix has all this weird French music on it and one of the songs is just uncomfortable to listen to. I think it is called Je T'aime and it is supposed to be a duet? However, the singers seem to think that the best way to express the "amour" is by singing breathily. I mean when the woman is singing it sounds like she is having an orgasm. I am 100% serious. I will try and find a copy of the song for y'all.  She is like "oh je t'aime!, oui je t'aime (gasp, gasp, sigh, breathe, breathe, sigh, breathe, sigh, gasp) oh je t'aime!". That song is so disturbing! Everyone else in my house who has heard it agrees. My mom heard it a few weeks ago when she took my dad's car out and apparently wanted to throw away the CD. I think my dad needs a lesson in car-radio etiquette. For instance, I wouldn't play Get Low by Lil Jon with my parents sitting in the car so why must I be subjected to a near orgasm french woman while I am in the car with him? I have suffered in life and it is DEFINITELY time for that car!

UPDATE: I found the song on YouTube. You can pretty much find anything on YouTube. It is called Je T'aime Moi Non Plus. 

Airport Baggage Claim Areas

I got back from my vacay, where I went to hang with Alpa Chino, and if I had known the kind of horrific plague he was carrying I would have stayed away. Its all his fault! He made me sick and on my first day back at work I didn't stay the whole day. By 3:00pm I was done. I had to go home where I slept from 4pm yesterday till 6am this morning. True talk. I didn't even wake up for dinner (gasp!). I was laid out for 14hours straight. Tufia!

Sha, my trip was fun and I didn't do much sightseeing. I mean lets face it Chicago is like my other home and I probably know more about that place than many of the people who live there. It is my less cool, but not so bad, second home. Alpa Chino and I argue about which city is better, and NY always wins despite the subway rat problem. All you haters in other cities will be JUST FINE!

While I was there we went to Texas de Brazil, a rodizio style churrascaria (Brazilian steakhouse) in the city. By the time dinner was over, his wallet was a few hundred dollars lighter and we had both gained 10 pounds--each. If you have never experienced the cardiac arrest inducing experience that is a rodizio churrascaria--you must. In fact, I have been so inspired by the restaurant that I will be celebrating my birthday at a similar restaurant in NYC. These places are expensive (especially in big cities), but for the amount of food you end up getting they are well worth it. If you are attending my birthday dinner you have been warned. Make sure you have room in your stomach.

As far as the title of this post, airport baggage claim areas are a thing of beauty. Aesthetically they are ugly, except for the one at McCarran Airport in Las Vegas which has this casino vibe going on, but the cuteness that goes on at baggage claim is just awesome! (Love that word). On my return flight to New York, there were a few soldiers on the plane. They got a shout out from the pilot and a "thank you for keeping us free and God bless" from the stewardess. Sha, while we were at baggage claim waiting for luggage I heard this squeal behind me and turned to glare at the screaming person just in time to see a woman jump into the arms of one of the soldiers. She was crying and his eyes were glazed a bit like he was holding back tears. It was so cute, I even felt a tiny tiny tear come to my eye. I have never seen one of these reunions up close but it was so damn cute! I guess this reunion was more poignant than most wimpy civilian ones since the guy was coming home from war. Le sigh. Hopefully, whoever this soldier is, he is home to stay. Didn't Obama promise that he would take all the troops out of Iraq by August of this year? Methinks they have already started.

Welcome home soldiers!

Leaving On A Jet Plane

Dear readers, I will be away for the next few days. It is a top secret mission and if I tell you where I am going I'll have to kill you.

Don't miss me too much! I will be back soon.

Here is a little something to tide you over until I return:



I just love Glee! Don't you?

To Cohabitate Or Not? That Is The Question.

This past weekend, I was co-hosting Verastic Radio and the topic was long distance relationships. During the conversation, one of the people in the chat room brought up the idea that when a long distance relationship stops being long distance the relationship fizzles and dies because of the proximity.

I don't necessarily agree with that, but I can see how that would be a cause for concern. Mind you, I mentioned this to Alpa Chino and his response was basically: "we'll cross that bridge when we get to it". See his life? Clearly I am the only one thinking ahead! Speaking of thinking ahead, did I mention that I have already named our first son? His "traditional" name will be Arinze (Arinzechukwu). I love that name and what makes it even better is that my son's American friends can shorten it to Ari. Since we (Alpa Chino and I) are Entourage fans, I see this as a win-win situation and hopefully my son is as much a bada** as the Ari Gold character. But, back to my point.

This whole issue of moving in with boyfriends/girlfriends has plagued me for a long time (i.e. since I became able to take care of myself in the event that my parents disown me for doing such a thing). On one hand I firmly believe that it is necessary for a couple to live together before marriage, on the other hand what if it doesn't work out between us, then what? Can you imagine the "I told you so" that my mother will send my way? I will never live it down. She will never trust my decisions again, and God knows if I will be able to survive the horrific embarrassment of being so monumentally wrong. But, I am getting ahead of myself here--as usual.

Recently, a co-worker moved in with his girlfriend. They were living in separate apartments in the city but then they decided to move in together. He was so excited (despite warnings from his mother that this was a bad idea). Fast forward to 2 weeks after moving in together and they have broken up. Now they are forced to live in the apartment (they signed a 1 year lease) as roommates and exes. Let us all remember, this wasn't a long distance relationship. They saw each other almost every day, hung out, lived in the same city, and were together for a while (more than 6 months). Then, they moved in together and in less than 2 weeks they have broken up.

Why?  Maybe the relationship wasn't strong enough in the first place. Maybe this is only temporary and they'll get back together and laugh over their collective silliness. Maybe they will break the lease and move on with their lives. But the fact remains that this couple, in all its awesomeness, didn't last up to a month with co-habitation.

I compare moving in together to something like this.

Imagine that your relationship is a person. Moving in together is like putting your relationship in front of a firing squad. At least one bullet is going to hit your relationship. There is no getting around that. The question is, will your relationship survive the hit?

Perhaps I am being overly dramatic, but you get my point. In my opinion you shouldn't move in together unless you KNOW your relationship is steps away from the courthouse (I say courthouse because we must all be honest and admit that church weddings have nothing to do with the law, and you'll still need a marriage license). Your relationship has to be strong enough to survive the firing squad even if it gets hit.

Once you live together, the only difference between that and marriage is an expensive wedding and some tax benefits. I don't believe in marriage without prior co-habitation. I know our parents didn't do this, but maybe that is why so many of them can't get along with each other now. I think I only know one or two people with Nigerian parents that can actually stand each other. Sure they get married and stay together for millennia but it is as if they are only doing it because they fear the stigma of divorce or more commonly for the sake of their children. But, this is another conversation.

Moving in together should be a natural step in a long term, serious, committed, relationship. Just be prepared for the possibility that your "perfect" relationship may not survive the strain. Know that if you live together and are not married then there is less at stake. Take the couple I mentioned earlier. I don't know what their argument was about but if they had been married they probably wouldn't have divorced over whatever it was. They would have fought for a few days, but they would probably have made up. But hey, its the risk you take. I still say move in together before marriage. Just know it will probably make or break your relationship.

EDJ On The Radio

So, I told all of y'all I would be on the radio. If you missed it, shame on you! But, you can still listen to the recorded version and your comments are always welcome. Thank you to Verastic for having me on the show, it was fun and my co-host AnonymousGA is cool peoples.

Show already aired! You can listen to it below: 

Verastic radio airs every Saturday morning at 10am Eastern. You can check out her site for future show topics.

On The Radio

No, it isn't a joke. I actually managed to convince somebody out there, to give me access to yet another medium (aside from this blog) where I can share my thoughts with the rest of you. The show airs live this Saturday, April 3rd, at 10am EST. That is 3pm for all of you in London/Nigeria, and the rest of you figure it out. I'll be on Verastic Talk Radio and you can listen in online here. Set your reminders! I have been told multiple times that my voice is "cute and sexy" over the phone, but I was told this by guys who were trying to get in my pants so I take it with a grain of salt.

In case you are wondering, I will not be "blasting phoneh" during the show. I may lapse in and out of it, but you can decide for yourselves when that happens if you tune in. My phoneh is excellent though, if I do say so myself.


I can't believe I have written all these lines and still haven't mentioned what the show is about. This week the topic under discussion is long distance relationships. Are you in one? Thinking of starting one? Getting out of one? Do you hate them? Love them? What is the definition of long distance? For instance does New York and New Jersey qualify as long distance? Or are we talking Lagos to London? Call in to the show or participate in the live chat. You want to know where I stand? You'll have to listen to find out.

Speaking of radio shows, I was actually on a show back when I was in Lagos. It aired on one of the only 2 "hip" radio stations in the city back then (see Rhythm 93.7 and 96.9 CoolFM). I remember that I was happy to be on the show, and then a few days later the host called me to say he was "happy" I had shown up. Then he called again, and again, and again...you know how that happens. He had such an awesome voice! I remember us spending lots of time on the phone, hanging out, etc. But that was back when I was younger. Come to think of it, if that had happened in America they would say he was a pervert since I was only 16 and he definitely wasn't within "my age group". GOD I feel so old now!

Sha, listen in on Saturday at 10am EST, 3pm Lagos/UK time. We'll be discussing long distance relationships. You can call in, chat live, and be entertained! I can't flirt with the host (it's a woman and neither of us swing that way) but maybe one of the callers?

The Immigrant's Guide To Making It In America

So you want to move to America? First, you must understand that this country is not for everyone. You will need a strong will, patience, the ability to move on quickly, and you will have to learn to pick your battles and what things you should and shouldn't take personally.

Ready?

Okay!

PART 1: Wherein the immigrant tries to convince the U.S. government to allow him/her to remain in/enter the country and start a new life.
Step 1: Ask yourself why you want to stay here. This guide is meant for long term immigrants, and this is a very important question because you will be asking yourself that question over and over and over...

Step 2: Realize that the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) is not your friend. Don't take this to mean the U.S government doesn't care about you! Not at all, other departments like: Treasury (see IRS), Health (you can't bring your "cooties" into the country afterall), Education (they need smart, hard working immigrants), etc care about you. Just don't count on DHS. Why is DHS important? Well, you may not know too much about them, but they know a lot about you. Perhaps you are more familiar with some of their minions, ahem...agencies, like:
a) U.S Citizenship and Immigration Services (USCIS),
b) Transportation Security Administration (TSA) (they have been known to seize a passenger's Victoria Secret Amber Romance lotion at McCarran airport security because it was over 3oz),
c) Customs and Border Patrol (CBP) (they may have questioned you at the airport while glaring suspiciously at your passport),
and so on.
Don't let their harmless looking acronyms fool you. These minions can ruin your hopes of ever entering the U.S. not to talk of staying here.

Step 3: Become an immigration attorney overnight. Either that, or hire one. If you decide to hire an immigration attorney, please make sure you have the thousands (yes, thousands) of dollars it will cost you to retain their services for the length of time that the DHS will jerk you around. This way your only responsibility will be writing checks and completing immigration documents in triplicate (over and over and over...). If you decide not to hire an immigration attorney, then make sure you have set aside time every few months to track immigration law changes and what the changes mean for your application. Only do this if you truly believe your application is "straightforward". However, everyone knows there is no such thing as a "straightforward" immigration application.

Step 4: The most important step. You must have money for the application processing fees. You may not have heard, but one green-card application for one person costs $1000+ dollars and this is without adding the filing fees for the other pieces of paper they will send your way. Before you ask, you can only get a 40% discount on children if they are under 14, so plan your move early! There is also no "large family fee waiver" so if you bred like a rabbit good luck! These fees may not be a problem if you are coming from a country with a great dollar exchange rate, but lets be honest most of you aren't so lucky.

Step 5: Exercise patience. America may be the greatest nation on Earth (or so they tell us all the time) but their immigration system is back-logged like you would not imagine. In fact, if you are from: China, India, Mexico, or the Philippines,  it is probably a good idea to become a citizen of another country before trying to move to the U.S. People trying to legally immigrate from these countries have been known to wait for a decade (you read that right) just to get approval.

If you manage to survive all these steps, then you too can obtain the necessary paperwork to live a full life in America. By full, I mean one that is unencumbered with the limits of an F-1 visa, the chains of the H-1 visa, or some other temporary visa. If you have managed to get a green card and/or naturalized citizenship then congratulations! We can now move to part 2.


PART 2: Wherein the immigrant experiences euphoria at finally making it to America.
Step 1: Imagine you are at some 5 star Zagat rated restaurant. You have heard about this place and how awesome the food is. You are dressed in your best outfit, ready to go in there to eat and drink the night away. You wait on that line until finally they call your name and you go in. The menu looks expensive, but you feel it is worth the money and you order the most delicious sounding item on the menu. Then, instead of bringing you food, they hand you all the ingredients for your order, a recipe, lead you to the kitchen, and tell you to make the food yourself.

That is what part 2 is like. There is only one step. The step into reality. America is awesome like the restaurant, but like the restaurant, you have to create "awesome America" by yourself. You will have to work hard to make America the place you dreamed it to be as opposed to the place that greets you once you overcome immigration issues.

Part 3: Wherein the immigrant realizes they're not in Kansas anymore.
Well this is a bit of a mis-type since they were never in Kansas, more like Tejuosho, but you get my point. The way things are done here will surprise many of you. You may think you have been prepared by hours of watching CNN, Youtube, MTV, etc. But nothing beats actually living through certain things. I won't ruin the surprise for any of you. It doesn't even need to be "dramatic", there will just be many surprises here and there. The way to avoid hypertension over these things is to always keep an open mind. This doesn't mean being naive, just open.

PART 4: Wherein the immigrant actually becomes part of America.
Just because you are handed paperwork and have received a "stamp of approval" from the aforementioned DHS entities, do not assume you are now "part of America". In fact some people never actually get to this part and they skip it altogether. Some signs you are becoming part of America:

1. Constant electricity does not strike you as odd. In fact if some event occurs that temporarily knocks out your electricity, you are almost incapable of any sort of activity.
2. You have two different ways of speaking. One is for when you are at home with friends and other people from your home country. The other is for when you are at work, in a public place, etc.
3. Where before (say, in Nigeria) you considered public transportation beneath you, you now take the subway, train, bus, etc with no problems. You do this not because you can not own a car, but because you realize that in certain big cities it is almost idiotic to own one.
4. Whenever someone asks you where you are from, you carefully assess the person and try to decide whether you should tell them where you are currently located, or whether you should say you are from "x" country but live in _____.
5. You still laugh at American "foolishness" but your laughter is now tempered with a heavy respect for the intelligence and hard work it takes to build and maintain such a country.
6. You now know what a credit score is and are trying your best to maintain a high one.
7. Every once in a while you experience a few seconds where you pause, take stock of yourself, and realize once again that you are actually living a life in America. Then the moment passes and you return to whatever it is you were doing.

These are just a few of the many little things that indicate you have become part of America. As I mentioned, there are people who skip this part altogether.


If you make it to part 4, then congratulations and welcome to the United States of America! I am sure your stay will be enjoyable--as long as you do not spend it lamenting the lack of "home country" features or trying to turn it into your home country.

All the best!