Advice for 'Gals'

Have you ever read one of those Cosmo/Glamour/whatever articles giving you tons of advice that every "gal" should supposedly follow? My favorites are the ones that give you advice on men. Some of the advice is for when your man is doing "wrong", e.g. Four Signs He's Hiding Something or Why He Hasn't Proposed (Yet), things you can do better in bed e.g. 12 Things Guys Wish You Knew In Bed, or how to find a man/get a man/know he's into you e.g. 12 Secret Signs He's Into You.

Of course, there is a small problem with all this advice. It is complete and utter bullsh*t. Not all of it mind you. Just majority of it.

How do I know? Well, I am an expert. Duh.

If you read these articles with the belief that you are going to get anything concrete out of them, you are truly wasting your time. Hopefully most of you already know this, but for those who still read these pieces of literary genius with the hopes of learning "something" about men. You are not using your time properly.

If you want to understand men, then talk to one. Specifically, the one you are interested in understanding. Men complain that women aren't straight forward, well that is because so many of us are getting advice from magazine editors trying to promote a new product under the guise of an advice column.

If you don't believe me, then read one of these "advice" articles and find a man to ask about the suggestions you have been given. See how many of them actually apply to him. Then ask another man and see how many of them apply to him.

The fact of the matter is that these magazines exist to make money--not to help you--and the sooner you realize this the better. With that said, I am not out to make money so let me offer you some advice from personal experience.

When it comes to men, I have learned there is one over-reaching rule of thumb. If you want to know something just ask. It is really that simple. But of course the magazines won't tell you this because they can't sell a one page magazine. So, when it comes to...

1. Sex. Figure out what works for him by ASKING him. It may seem like an awkward conversation but the fact is, you should have it. You don't need to read "100 Ways To Please Your Man". Just ask "your man" and save time. Besides, what works for the writer may not (probably will not) work for you. I know for some people talking about sex is awkward and uncomfortable but you need to get over it! If you aren't comfortable enough to talk about this stuff with that person then perhaps there is a bigger issue that needs to be worked on? I'm just saying!
2. Food That Turns Him On. Again, just ask. Or, lace his food with Viagra. Either way is fine.
3. Marriage Proposals i.e. why he hasn't proposed yet. Only ask if you are ready for an answer and know what you will do based on his response. If you get to the stage where you are concerned, then you need to talk to him. Don't expect him to read your mind and know that you are "ready" for a proposal. Personally, I know I am getting to the age where my relationships have to be "for real" and the time for "messing around" is coming to an end. If I have to bring up this conversation I will. Better to talk about it than stay silent for years only to discover he'll never propose.
4. Figuring Out If He's Cheating. This one is tricky. Of course you can just ask, but then again he could just lie. I will be honest here and say that nobody knows a way to figure this out--no matter what the magazines tell you. If you want to know for sure you may need to hire a private detective or become a snoop yourself, but there is no concrete answer. Sorry. Signs of cheating are almost always only visible in hindsight. Its usually only AFTER you learn the facts that you realize what those "signs" meant.
5. Why He Hasn't Asked You Out Yet. You could just ask him out. Of course this opens you to the possibility of being embarrassed but...nothing ventured, nothing gained. I am not going to try and boost your ego by saying he may just be shy. Its not always the case. He may simply not be into you. The thing is, you just need to learn to deal with the fact that you can't appeal to everyone. If you ask him and he blows you off, don't take it personally. Move on. I have been turned down before (I know you're surprised. When it happened so was I). But, I dealt with it. I invited a guy to go see a movie with myself and a few friends, I specifically made sure it wasn't just two of us so it would be "casual". He actually said he would show up but he didn't. I was annoyed, but I got over it.
6. Whether He Likes You Or Not. If you want to clarify where the two of you stand, you have two options. Exercise patience till he says "yay" or "nay" or just ask him. Again be prepared for the answer if you choose to ask. In Lagos School Daze, I asked. But, that was with the bravado that comes with being a teenager and the confidence that I would get a positive answer. The fact is, as I have gotten older the stakes have gotten "bigger". I still ask, but it takes a lot more to work up to it now than it did when I was younger. However, I would rather know the answer because there is nothing I hate more than wasting time on a guy who won't give you what you want.
7. What You Are Doing Wrong When It Comes To Dating. Perhaps this is one of the rare instances where it is not okay to ask. As "they" say, one man's food is another man's poison. There are some things that are universal "wrongs", e.g. stalking a guy you just met. However, there are some things you should not let magazines decide for you. Its up to you.
8. Whether The Two Of You Are A Great Match. Why allow a multiple choice online quiz to determine if the two of you are "meant to be". You can simply talk to him about where he sees the two of you in the future. Of course, this is only a question to ask someone you are in a serious relationship with. All bets are off if you are on the "friends with benefits" or "casual dating" path.

Dont get me wrong, these articles are fun to read, laugh at, and can make for great conversation.  Just think carefully the next time you read one.

Soapbox

Told ya this post would self-destruct

See Myself?

Early this morning (way too early) I had a driving class in a last ditch attempt to get some more driving practice before my road test tomorrow morning. I'll have you know that after this class I am now of the opinion that I only have a 40% chance of passing the test. So, if I don't pass tomorrow, well, I wont be too surprised.

The main hindrance to my passing the test will most likely be the little details like checking the mirrors and remembering to signal at the right time. If you ignore the fact that I sometimes forget to signal or that I don't always do the "hand over hand" method when turning the steering wheel, then I am an excellent driver. In fact, I have mastered the dreaded parallel parking. I can probably parallel park with my eyes closed. 3-point turn? Piece of cake. Driving on the road? I have totally gotten over my "anxiety" when switching lanes. The reasons why I may fail the test are simple: signaling and mirrors.

As I drove in the car today, I told the instructor that I would be so very sad if I didn't pass the road test tomorrow. He told me that if my only problem in life is passing the road test on the 1st try, then my life must be pretty great. Well, when you put it that way...

So, dear readers, this time tomorrow I shall be back with an update. Either I will have a shiny new New York State license (and can finally hit the dealership this weekend to look for cars) or I will be trying to reschedule another road test.

Also, this past Saturday, I was a co-host on Verastically Speaking Talk Radio, and the topic was "In The Name Of All Things Women". You can listen to the show below:



My co-hosts were Aribaba of Jaguda.com and Funmie. Aribaba was representing for the men and asking all sorts of questions to us women. You can listen to his attempt to get answers to pressing questions such as: "Why do women take forever to get ready to go out?", "Why do women always bring up 'old' issues during an argument?", and my favorite, "Why do you say every guy is the 'best you ever had'?". That last one is my favorite because it speaks to the fragile ego of men. See their lives?

For those of you who missed it, it was quite interesting. Many of the questions for women dealt with some form of "twisting the truth" aka lying. I am sure it is no surprise to many of you that after listening to the show you might realize how very little women and men trust each other.

We actually got off topic for a bit when someone in the chat room started talking about "tea bagging" and "salad tossing" (if you don't know what those two mean, Google them). Then, towards the end of the show, there was a discussion over women who say they don't "need" men. I was of the opinion that men are not a "need" but a "want". Everyone else pretty much disagreed with me. I think this is a great topic for a future show.

At the end of the show, Vera was nice enough to play Implication by 2Face because she knew that Alpa Chino was with me and listening to the show. Clearly she read my blog post about the Nigerian Reunion.

Sha, I just need to pass this driving test tomorrow.

EDJ On The Radio (again)

Yes oh, I managed to convince Verastic to allow me on her show once again. This time the show is titled "In The Name Of All Things Women". Here's the blurb from the radio show page:

There are some questions that only a woman can answer. For those questions, we will go right to the horses' mouths for answers: women.

Am I woman enough to answer these questions? We are about to find out on Saturday. I shall be co-hosting with Aribaba of Jaguda who will try and get in as many questions as he can on behalf of the men. Also hosting with me is the one and only Funmi. Regular Verastic listeners know that Funmi is a very outspoken character so we can all expect a great show!

The show airs this Saturday, July 9th from 10am EST to 12pm EST. (3pm to 5pm for those in the UK and Nigeria).

You can listen to the show here. Verastic is doing everyone a public service by attempting to help men understand women (since they love to say that they don't). How much will we be able to cover in 2 hours? Tune in and find out.

Isn't this awesome? You get to hear my sexy sexy voice on the radio. What a great way to start your Saturday!

Nigerian Reunion Weekend (A Loong Post)

So, I went for the Nigerian Reunion in NY. Why? Because it was in New York, I had no July 4th plans, and Alpa Chino wanted to go. I actually said no at first because I went last year, when it was in Vegas, and even though I had fun, I had fun because I got to see Vegas (finally) and observe Nigerians act like Nigerians (take that however you like).

However, the second time around was not as exciting. First, the hotel was in Long Island. This is not the "funnest" place in NY and in order to enjoy Long Island you need a car. So, we got a rental for the weekend. It was a nice hotel and I enjoyed my stay there, but I felt so bad for the hotel staff and management as well as any guests that just happened to be at the hotel during the reunion. In fact, I am quite sure that if NRC approaches another Marriott hotel to host the next reunion, the hotel will think thrice before agreeing to anything.

This was Alpa Chino's first reunion and it will be his last. He wanted to experience it and now that he has, he has decided that he will be just fine if he never attends another one again. According to him, the best part of the reunion was the show on Sunday--the last day. I agree. If you plan to attend the next Nigerian reunion and are wondering which events are worth it, I suggest the events on the last day. The show and the after party are probably your best bet for a good time. The rest of the weekend will probably be a wash.


We got to the hotel on Friday, after work, and stayed through the weekend. When we got to the hotel front desk to check in, I had an interesting little experience with one of the hotel receptionists. We were at the front desk while she looked up our reservation, and when she saw the two names on the reservation this is what happened:

Hotel lady: Is he (gestures toward Alpa Chino) the other person on the reservation?
Me: Yep.
Hotel lady: So you'll be needing two beds then? It says on the reservation that you asked for one bed.
Me: (as I realize what her problem is, I laugh). No, its correct. Its just the one bed.
Hotel lady: Okay.
Me: (smirking) Is there a problem?
Hotel lady: No. No problem.

See her life? I thought hotel staff were usually discreet? Afterall, hotels are the location of choice for numerous illicit rendezvous. Not that this was illicit, but why was she being so weird about it? Alpa Chino and I had a good laugh about it later (in the one bed suite).

On Friday, there was really nothing going on except a panel discussion on Nigeria, speed dating (which Mogaji and I went for last year just for kicks), and the "welcome party". This welcome party was held at C-PAC, in Brooklyn, and once I heard that--I knew I would not be attending. I don't have any beef with Brooklyn, truly, but I do not want to visit there unless I have to. A Nigerian reunion party does not qualify as a "have to" occasion. Call me a snob, but I don't care. There are maybe a few blocks in Brooklyn that are okay but that entire borough is truly not the place for me. However, many Nigerians live there (and love it). So, Friday's party was in Brooklyn and I did not go. I was tired from work, it was in Brooklyn (which meant a 20minute drive from the hotel one way), and I just wasn't in the mood. A few of my friends did go to that first party and I was told that it was "okay". One of my friends actually used the word "ghetto" when describing the place. The other two parties were held at Amazura; a club in Jamaica, Queens which is not much of an improvement from Brooklyn IMHO. It is around the area near the LIRR Jamaica station and, although the club is huge, it really is quite horrible looking.

On Saturday the "main event", aside from the party that night, was the picnic at Valley Stream State Park. I did not have high hopes for the picnic and even though we were promised "food and refreshments", as we drove to the park I took the precaution of searching the GPS for nearby restaurants in case we had to find food elsewhere. We did. We got to the park at about 4pm (the picnic was supposed to end at 6pm) and there was no food. People were basically sitting around on park benches talking and hanging out. Apparently, the organizers had forgotten the food. A friend of mine later joked that we were lucky they didn't forget that they had organized the picnic as well!

We ended up going to Roosevelt Field Mall and spent the rest of the day there.

The party on Saturday was okay. It wasn't just Nigerians there, and there was a mix of Nigerian, American, and Caribbean music. Alpa Chino was happy to hear some of his favorite reggae/dancehall songs since these songs are not very popular where he lives. I don't know how familiar you are with reggae/dancehall but some of their songs are "me-rixes" of popular Top 40 songs. For instance there is this song called Rompin' Shop that is actually a "me-rix" of Neyo's Ms. Independent. They played it at the party and Alpa Chino LOVES to torture me with the ridiculous lyrics. I will share some with you:

You ah my mista
You ah my miss
Kill me wid di cocky
Kill me wid di tightness
And when you a come
Whispa someting like dis
I can't stop f**king you

He knows how stupid (and hilarious) I think the song is, so he likes to randomly sing that part of the song to see my reaction.

He also heard--for the very first time--2face's song, Implication, and I had to spend the rest of the weekend being tortured with conversations like:
Me: Can you help me pick up that thing over there.
Alpa Chino: No.
Me: Why not?
Alpa Chino: Because of the...(pregnant pause) Implication, Implication, Implication...(breaks out into song).
Me: (laughing loudly) Ode.

See his life? I actually think that is a great song. Although I am not quite sure what 2face is saying during certain parts of the song.

I am sure many of you know this already but, part of the allure of the reunion is the ability to meet, mingle, and HOOKUP. I think if you do the math you will find that at the reunions the guys outnumber the girls (mostly). For the single and looking ladies out there this may seem like a positive, but do not arrive at the reunion hoping to meet the love of your life. Some of these guys are in a class of their own when it comes to toasting--in a bad way. One guy actually tried to talk to me, during Sunday's concert, with Alpa Chino sitting right next to me. I guess the guy thought that Alpa Chino was just some random stranger that I had allowed to place a hand on my thigh. I had to ignore him because the situation was so ridiculous. Another person actually told a girl that she looked "much better than the other day", in an attempt to tell her she looked nice. It was hilarious because the girl let him have it and actually told him he was terrible at toasting and needed some lessons.

On Sunday there was the show and after party. Awards were handed out to "famous" Nigerians (mostly in entertainment). Nnenna from ANTM was there, Ramsey Noah, Gbenga Akinnagbe (of The Wire, The Good Wife, etc), Ini Edo, Banky, and M.I (Mr. Incredible). I also learned, to my surprise, that Dele Momodu (of Ovation) is actually planning to run for the Nigerian presidency in 2011. He got to speak to the crowd for a bit. But, people didn't really like the way he talked about Babangida and there was quite a bit of yelling after he was done.


Overall, it was an interesting experience and not a bad way to spend July 4th weekend. If next year's reunion is in a place I have never been to, I will take advantage of the discounted hotel and airfare but I will probably not attend any of the events--except maybe the show on the last day.

Lagos School Daze returns in the next post.