Village Tradition

I meant to write about this earlier, but I just didn't seem to have time. Every time I sat down to write it, something else would come up.

So, the other day I was in the car with my mother. She wanted to go to the city to buy some hair and so I tagged along so she wouldn't have to look for parking. She was going to midtown, and if you have been to Manhattan you know parking is a pain in the ass there.

Sha, my mother and I have reached some sort of unspoken agreement to not discuss things that we both know will annoy the other person. Its probably the only reason my strong STRONG desire to leave the house has been tamped down--for a while. There is also the fact that due to some family developments, which I am not allowed to discuss on this blog, our family dynamic is undergoing some changes and we all need to stick together for a bit.

So, on this fine day, my mother was in the car and we were heading home. Somehow we got on the topic of relatives in Nigeria. She shared with me some information that I was not aware of.


My grandmother died in Nigeria in 2009, and she was my last real tie to the country. Actually, it was because of the way she died there that I said I was over Nigeria. Prior to her death I may have had vague plans of taking a small vacation there at some point in the future. I actually believe, knowing my grandmother, that wherever she is right now she probably agrees with my decision to never set foot in Nigeria again.

But this post is not about my dislike of the place I was born in. This post is about the people living there.

It turns out that even though my grandmother has been buried, I have found out that my own mother will have to go back there at some point in the near future because--and this is how I understand it--my grandmother's complete Igbo traditional burial rites have not been completed.

Now, personally, I could not give a rats ass if a bunch of old men and women in the village need an offering of a cow or other large mammal in order to allow my uncles and aunts to "properly" bury their mother. But, the idea that my mother is going to have to go back to that place because things weren't done "properly"? That just blows my mind.

I tried my best to understand the situation. The best way to describe the situation is that my grandmother needs two "funerals" so to speak. One for my grandfather's village (which has been done) and another one for her village (which has not been done). Here I was thinking that when a person dies and the family has the church service and buries the person then we're all done with funeral rites.

When I expressed my surprise that one person needs two funerals because of "omenala", my mother tried to explain to me that the two funerals would have been completed if my grandmother had not been estranged from her family when she married my grandfather; and if my mother and uncles and aunts had reached out to my grandmother's family before my grandmother died.

So, these people are holding on to a grudge that is decades older than I am and are basically using it to fleece my mother and her siblings.

As I heard all this, I told my mother that all this is exactly why I will never involve myself in extended family/village bullsh*t. My mother then asked me what I would do if she requested to be buried in Nigeria and I had spent my time till then ignoring those greedy old men and women. Okay, so she didn't use the word "greedy". She told me that if you don't have the "blessing" of these people, whoever they are, then nobody will attend the funeral in question.

First of all, having seen the astronomical cost of feeding a bunch of people you don't know at a funeral, I think a small event is exactly what would suit me. Second, and I told my mother this, if I have to return to Nigeria to bury her according to her wishes and the "omenala" people start demanding 5 cows, 3 goats, half of my checking account, and a group trip to Disneyland (or whatever they are charging for "reconciliation" these days in the village) then I will jejely (and I used the word "jejely") bury her in the village and then come back here--even if my sister and I are the only ones there and even if I have to dig that grave myself.

How can a group of people tell a family that in order to bury their parent they should basically pay for the privilege of having a bunch of "elders" show up. Then after doing all that, you still have to feed them, and hand out funeral party favors. Tufiakwa.

These people, who have done nothing for me. Had no hand in raising me, did not contribute one cent to my schooling and upkeep, these are the people I am supposed to go and "respect" so that I can bury one of my parents? Lai lai.

I told my mother her ghost can haunt me if she is dissatisfied with her funeral arrangements.

This idea of going back to Nigeria to "finish" my grandmother's funeral does not sit well with me. She is dead, she has been buried in her husband's home, that is all that matters. Whether or not my grandmother's side of the family feels "respected" should not concern my mother and her siblings.

But of course it does. Why? because my mother--as it turns out--is much more patient and a much nicer person than I am. If you have ever heard me complain about my mother you will not think I mean what I just wrote but I do. My mother puts up with and has put up with a lot from a lot of people. Quite honestly she has to be a kind person to restrain herself from reacting the way I would. As I have "aged" I have realized that she is not the hard ass I used to see her as when I was younger. It is because I have realized this that I don't like the idea of these stupid people basically taking advantage of her.

So, I hope the village people (not the disco group) enjoy this last piece of "compensation" they will get from my parents. It is the last they are going to see from anybody in my immediate family. I hope they choke on the cow meat.