Marriage amongst Nigerians...Religion Is A Problem.

We can all rest easy because that Nigerian husband didn't actually stab his wife to death. She did it to herself because, according to him, she was possessed.

We have been having issues since the day we got married so much so that I have contemplated divorcing her but because I am a spiritual person and church I pastor, I decided to manage.

This is from the husband, Mr. Kolade Arowolo.

Nigerians, lend my your ears eyes. Divorce is always an option. In fact, I can volunteer one of my parents to help represent you in court if you need help. So many of you should be divorced right now its not even funny.
This post is not even going to be about the complete and utter stupidity that this man has just unleashed by saying that:

The woman was possessed that day and while we were quarreling, she went into the kitchen and brought out a knife with which she overpowered me and then began to stab me all over my body and head.

The next thing I saw, she started stabbing herself repeatedly with the knife while telling me that she was tired of the marriage and that since I did not want to let her go, she will kill me and then kill herself.

On their wedding day a few years ago

So she was possessed, right? Well that solves everything then! I suppose this man is going for an insanity plea? Someone please tell me religious possession is not legally recognized in Nigeria. I wouldn't put it past the court system there.

I know not every marriage ends in such violence, but there are some things that people just need to understand.

It is really not by force to get married. No matter what. Pregnancy or not. It is not by force. It is also not by force to stay married. Really. I know that in Nigeria the idea of an unwed or divorced mother is such a horror for so many people, but isn't it better than being in this sort of situation?

I could blame the law in Nigeria for not being more even handed in dealing with women in a divorce situation. Marriage law in Nigeria does not deal with women and men equally. But even if the law changed, the Nigerian mindset towards marriage and divorce is what really needs to change. Religious belief is the true obstacle to divorce in Nigeria.

Ladies, overzealous religion is not your friend when it comes to a bad marriage. No matter what Nollywood or your pastor tells you, there is no amount of prayer that will stop your husband from being an asshole to you unless he wants to stop being an asshole. I hate to be the one to tell you. I am sure somewhere in that bible you've read about human beings having free will. Your husband has to decide and commit to change, and until that happens, you are wasting your time.

If someone hits you, its time to leave. Of course this is easier said than done, but you have to know that violence like this is not a sudden occurrence. It builds up. So you have to have a "one and done" attitude towards physical (and mental) abuse. Prayer may be a source of solace post physical beatings, but why stay there and let it get to that point?

It frustrates me beyond words whenever I see the way Nigerians discuss issues like this. With this story, I have seen people write that the woman must have done something to provoke him. Others have said it must have been that he wanted to use his wife for juju. Still others have insinuated that the man was a suppressed gay whose bottled up sexuality exploded into such violence.

I call bullshit on all these guesses. Logic like that is part of the reason why I cannot, for the life of me, see myself moving back to Nigeria to live.

In my opinion, this man was angry that his wife was making more money than him (according to reports she paid all the bills because he had been unemployed for 2 years) and beating her gave him a feeling of empowerment. Examples like this are why I don't believe in women marrying a man who makes less money than they do. There are many men out there who just cannot handle not being the chief breadwinner and they take it out on their wives. Things might go well for a while but, in the end, that interminable misplaced male arrogance will cause issues.

My point here is that we, as women, really need to look out for ourselves. Stop using your religion as the reason for remaining in a negative place. There are always signs and the best way to spot them is to learn all you can about that person before you marry them. I'm not talking just about violence, things like infidelity, financial irresponsibility, immaturity, etc don't show up overnight. We all just have to be on the lookout early on so that we can save ourselves from stress.

I don't believe love conquers all. I also don't believe prayer solves every problem. God gave us all free will. If you are in a bad situation you need to exercise your God given free will and leave the situation. What God can do is show you the various ways your spouse/partner is incompatible. It is up to you to take action.

There is so much talk about the bible saying a woman should be subservient to her husband. This is true but, in that same passage the bible says that a man should treat his wife as if she were his own body. He should treat her the way he treats himself. The bible doesn't mention a repercussion for a man who does not do this, but I firmly believe that is what divorce is for.

I feel bad for this woman. The couple has a daughter (the man claimed he only married his wife because she was pregnant) and now the child will most likely grow up with none of her parents around.

It is just unfortunate.

You can read the story on ThisDayLive.