Stop Settling. It Is Wrong (and Stupid).

For the marriage hungry...

Yes, yes, all of you have seen this blog post about "Folu" a woman who is marrying a man she is not in love with or even attracted to.

I debated whether or not to write a blog post in response because I can be a bit...what is the word..."brash" when it comes to sensitive issues like this.

I have little patience for women like Folu and only involve myself in an attempt to make sure I learn from their experiences and avoid repeating their mistakes.

Today fellow blogger, Taynement, asked if what Folu did was settling. My answer, hell yes.

What was not asked was the rightness or wrongness of what Folu wants to do. That is, consign herself to a loveless marriage to a "good" man.
In a previous post about the Kim Kardashian divorce, I wrote that for some people marriage is the ultimate life goal. I would not have a problem with this if these same people did not so often make bad decisions in an attempt to fulfill said life goal.

Consider how Folu began her "explanation" of events by listing her age, 28. Is that the age when we, women, should jump at any marriage proposal just to get off the spinster train? I ask because it would seem that if Folu felt like she still "had time" she would not be so quick to marry this "good man".

Then of course there is the ex, Bode, who Folu goes on about at length. Bode was the asshole she dated who mistreated her, cheated on her, and then made her feel bad for chastising him. Bode gave her such a low opinion of men that her current fiance (the one she doesn't love) would probably appear a saint in comparison by doing the bare minimum "boyfriend" duties.

This fiance mind you, does not seem to have any idea that his future wife does not see him as a good match for her. In the end, he is the real victim here. I have no pity for Folu, because she is at least going into this knowing she is not with the "right" person. Her fiance probably has no idea what a whiny, selfish, and lacking in self-confidence person he is marrying.

I may have been a bit harsh with that last part, but I did say I have no patience. Ask yourself. If her fiance were your brother, friend, etc and you read her story would you still advise him to marry her? What if Bode, the ex, shows up one day pleading to her that he has changed? What then? Even if Folu never cheats on her husband she will end up resenting her marriage.

Taynement said, "love" is what allows you to ignore the things about your partner that REALLY annoy you. I completely agree. Consider love the lubricant in a machine with many moving parts. Without it, you have metal on metal and eventually something is going to catch fire. Folu's relationship is lacking that very vital lubrication, on her part. No pun intended.

Speaking of lubrication Folu mentioned that, although she is not in love with her fiance, she has been told by her mother that once sex begins love will somehow find its way into the relationship. The fallacy of this logic is mind blowing to me.

As girls, growing up we were always told to avoid boys/men who want "only one thing". The older we got, the more we were taught that "sex" shouldn't be mistaken for "love" (at least I hope most of you had this lesson). Just because a man sleeps with you, doesn't mean he really cares about you.

But now, suddenly, Folu's mother is selling a different angle on the "sex" and "love" story. Now, "sex" increases "love". Why? Because they are married of course! I thought the "love" brought on by "sex" is not meant to be "strong"?

Is it not great how parental "advice" changes depending on the situation? What happens when the sexually inspired "love" fades? All Folu will be left with is a man that irritates her.

I don't even know why we, women, do this to ourselves. Who says you need to get married at all? Did Folu even consider option 2 before agreeing to this sham marriage, i.e. stay single and focus on herself?

You should love the person you marry. I am not saying love is always there at the beginning of a relationship, but if it does not develop do not make the same mistake and stick around because he is a "good" man. You are better off on your own than trapped in a bad situation.

When I use the word "trapped" I mean it. We all know divorce in Nigeria is hardly ever an option, especially for women.

I think the most annoying thing about Folu's excuses filled letter explanation of events was when she said this was the person God had chosen for her.

I beg to differ.

God has enlightened Folu with the knowledge that this fiance is not a great match for her and despite this knowledge, she insists on going forward with the marriage. When things go south, she will then spend all her time in church praying to the same God to do something. If I were God, I would tell her she will be just fine.

I hope to be wrong about her situation. But, as I mentioned earlier, my main concern is that I do not end up repeating this kind of mistake.

I hope you don't either.

I want a husband, I want kids, I want the whole "dream". But, I will not be making marriage decisions under pressure. I would never dream of doing what Folu is doing because life is too short to waste. If I can't find the right man who wants to put up with my "specialness" till death do us part, then so be it.

I'll still be having those kids though. I have already had this conversation with Mogaji and my sister about avoiding marriage till things are "right". Maybe Mogaji, my sister, and I can join forces and build a mansion in which to raise our kids as single moms. That is my Plan B.

Either way, marriage is not by force and settling is a bad idea. Someone should tell Folu that.